Colony Ship Constructed!

OOG Capital Management Announces Successful Completion of First-Ever Colony Ship; Immediate Failure to Launch Declared “Operational Pause”

HECTATE – In a historic ceremony marked by optimism, confetti, and mild panic, OOG Capital Management proudly unveiled the first-ever fully constructed Colony Ship in human history — moments before discovering that no one knew how to turn it on.

The ship, christened OOG Pioneer One, was intended to make the inaugural journey from Hectate to Rhenos Pater, a newly identified world rich in Rhenium Ore, marking humanity’s first attempt to harvest the rare element. The voyage was to symbolize the dawn of a new industrial age, powered by OOG’s revolutionary Vortex Engine, fueled by Krypton-based Vortex Fuel, and guided by the steady hand of corporate efficiency.

Unfortunately, that hand misplaced the manual.

Sources inside the shipyard report that while the vessel’s Vortex Reactor hummed with power and its 1,200 cubic meter Habitation Module gleamed with cutting-edge cryopreservation chambers and a self-contained biosphere, the launch team encountered difficulties determining which of the 842 identical control panels initiated flight.

“We were ready to make history,” said Chief Engineer Ral Kesser, standing beside the still-docked vessel. “Then we realized none of us knew which button actually does that.”

The confusion appears to stem from an unexpected lapse in documentation. Internal investigation has since revealed that the team responsible for writing the Colony Ship Operational Manual gained unauthorized access to restricted reserves of Stellar Pale Ale and Smart Zinfandel— premium beverages typically reserved for engineers and scientists.

“It was a morale initiative,” explained Technician 2nd Class Mira Lohn. “We wanted to celebrate early. And then, well… time got weird.”

The resulting “creative sabbatical” meant that, while the ship was completed ahead of schedule, no written materials existed explaining its operation, maintenance, or basic functionality. Attempts to query the onboard AI for guidance have so far resulted in the response, “I’m sorry, I don’t have that information either.”

“It’s possible that the WAI that went into the NV2 was trained on a mix of captcha data and fintech financial scams”, opined OOG shareholder Melon164.

Despite the setback, OOG executives remain upbeat.

“The important thing is that we’ve proven the concept,” said OOG spokesperson Archiel during a press briefing. “Sure, the ship doesn’t currently move, but it represents humanity’s greatest leap forward in stationary starship technology. We’re redefining what it means to launch.”

Plans are already underway to begin drafting a manual “at the earliest sober opportunity.” Once complete, OOG expects to resume preparations for the journey to Rhenos Pater, where the first Rhenium Ore deposits await discovery — assuming someone can find the ignition switch.

Until then, OOG Pioneer One will remain on display at the Hectate Shipyards, where visitors are encouraged to admire its gleaming hull, its vast habitation module, and the haunting silence of a ship that dreams of stars it cannot yet reach.

OOG Capital Management reminds all interested CEOs that recruitment is still open — preferably to those who can both hold their liquor and write a manual.